Never Take a Sharpie with you Everywhere...

because this is what happens:

Yes, -nods in a manner demanding sympathy- that is my knee. Oddly enough, it just happens to coincide with HNT, so I might as well post it as that as well! Yay!

Mr. Happy says "IF YOU’RE GOING OUT (OR IN), ALWAYS WEAR YOUR BEST HAT."

This blows my mind. Yes, that is a condom, and yes, that is the Wal*Mart smiley with a condom hat. And also, again, yes, the quote above is actually from www.mrhappyshat.com. I also rather childishly feel giddy at the fact that the website name, with its improper punctuation, spells out "Mr. Happy Shat".

According to the site,

People were asked: “If you had the opportunity, would you rather:
1) work?
2) eat?
3) play? or
4) use a Mr. Happy’s Hat condom?

Voters overwhelming chose # 4 - to use a Mr. Happy’s Hat condom!

Really, aren't the last three about the same choice?

I also find it humorous that the "Quality" page contained this delightful pic:

Is it me or does it appear that these employees stole Mr. Happy's hat?

This was included in a bag of condoms from our family planning center. I highly doubt that a contraceptive company whose main marketing strategy is humour is really going to fit into the whole "not getting pregnant until you're ready" motto of family planning clinic. Quality aside, I still probably wouldn't use it because I have a feeling this one is going straight up on my wall. Forever.

*giggles to self about condom hat*

-Lucious

Look kids, it's silly poem time! *child-like exclamations of joy*

I am Mad

I am mad

Much like dad.

Now I'm sad...

 

Oh No! There's a...Oh No!

There's a thing over there!

Oh no!

Can you tell what it is Johnny?

Neither can I.

Let's go inside.

 

The Final Frontier

 

 

 

 

 

-Lucious

Circly Circlesons

This is a page from my new "Journal", which is technically a book, called Wreck This Journal. It a journal that's blank for the most part, but has instructions on each page, like the one above, that direct you through the process of wrecking the journal (unexpected, right?). I'm hoping it helps me get over some of my OCD stuff because it has pages like "Crack the spine of this book", "Burn this page", "Lose this page", "Tear out this page, put it in the pocket of your pants, wash your pants, then return the page" and my personal favorite "Make a sudden, destructive, unpredictable movement with the journal." Should be fun, at least. Plus, if one of the pages is particularly interesting, I can use it as a cop out to writing an actual post :P.

-Lucious

EDIT: I just realized I didn't follow the instructions competely because I kinda skipped out on that bottom left corner. Dammit. Ah well. I couldn't really see that bit when I was doing it because of the way the spine was situated.

Oh How Dastardly this Dreary Distance Betwixt Us! (written in patented arbitrary, yet delightfully non-poetic, free-verse)

I miss my

darling

sunshine.

It has been quite some time since our last meeting. Quite some time more since we have spent an

extended

amount of time with each other.

This

saddens

me.

I hope to see her again soon,

but I have no idea

when.

 

Or how.

 

In different, but equally

(nearly)

terrible news my gum hurts.

Not the entire

gum,

but rather just a

portion

between two of my front teeth. It is quite

swollen.

And also

is painful.

Quite unfortunate,

yes?

 

-Luci

ous

MIDI Controller Wha?

Damnit to all lack of previous credit history! I have been havin' a hankerin' for some good ol' computer generated synth-instrumental goodness, but alas I have no MIDI keyboard. *heaves large sigh* I found the MIDI controller of my dreams online, but when I went to apply for financing (for I have not $129.99), it said they couldn't do it because I have insufficient credit history. Don't even give me a chance... bastards...

My Secret Weapon

These are my little books of majesty.

I am in love with these little pocketbooks. I stumbled across them first about a year and a half ago, when I bought a crappy harmonica and the sales clerk threw a "how to play harmonica" one in. I never thought much else about them, until me and some friends were in a fantastic guitar store up north and we stumbled across them right across the way from the register. Fantastic find I must say. Endlessly useful, and amazingly portable. The one in the middle contains blank guitar tablature (as pictured),

the one to the right has all the bar chords, plus power chords, and the one to the right has every mandolin chord you could ever need. All my musical needs, right there in my pocket. Amazing really.

So basically, if you're a musician, then go get one! Or eight!

For your viewing pleasure

here is a picture of my uber-hot girlfriend; kissing a dog skeleton. A FUCKING DOG SKELETON! Blows your boyfriend and/or girlfriend's mind! And yours! Both your minds! What's that I just heard? Was that your penis and/or vagina exploding? I JUST BLEW BOTH YOUR HEADS (and/or not-head, but genitalia none-the-less)! You hermaphrodite bitches.

Now that that's out of the way, I am sorry for your lack of head(s) but I had to do it. The world has to know. You see those things, dangling from her ears? No, attached to her earlobes. FUCKING GUITAR PICKS! Yeah, that's right, things you pick guitars with. "Kick-ass!" you say? "Fuck yeah!" I say. Fuck yeah indeed...

Again, sorry about the head(s),

Lucious

Ooheey! Posting wha?!

In an effort to blog and write more I have decided that I am going to start forcing myself to write an entry every single day, whether or not I actually have something to say. The quality may be sub-par but hell, it can't be much worse than when I spend time on it, so why the hell not?

For this first, groundbreaking entry I am going to show you all an aerial view of my home. Yes, that's right, Lucious is going to break the great facade that his his persona and show you a glimpse into his actual, and quite mundane, life.

My house is the one with the tan roof. Yes, we do rock the neighborhood like that. The car next to my house? Not mine. To the direct left of my house, you will see the house of our neighbors, Patty and Dieters, and directly north of our house you will see the house of our other neighbors, Rick and Cathy. They are the reason we can't park our car in our driveway, which is a story that I will save for another entry, in case I can't think of anything to say on another day. The house to the left of Patty and Dieters, or two houses to the left of us, is the house of Brady. Brady use to take drugs, but again, I will save those stories for another post as well. The house diagonally across the intersection belongs to a man named Harry. Harry is a dick. Ironic eh? But yet again, this is a story for another, equally uninspired day.

I hope you have enjoyed a quick overview of my neighborhood. You may refer back to this in the future, in case you need a point of reference for any upcoming stories.

I love you with all my heart,

Lucious

The Big Let-Down

In a drastically uncharacteristic move, I am going to contradict myself. I am sorry for those of you (by which I mean all of you [by which I mean my one reader]) who view me as solid, and steadfastly steadfast. I do hope that I don't shatter your positive outlook on life with my bold-faced hypocrisy.

The contradiction, actually, is this post; which is in contradiction to my previous post about the pointlessness of this blog. *shrugs* A man can change his mind! Don't judge me!

All right, so after I started writing this, I realized I actually don't have anything to say... so... instead... just imagine me doing a tap-dance. Yeah, that's it; that should keep you busy long enough for a quick escape-I mean entertain you.

Yaaaaay *trails off*!

-Lucious

TMI Tuesday (on Wednesday) X

 

1. What is one thing your significant other could do to you to rock your world?

Become superman, I guess. Well, supergirl, if you want to get into semantics. I can't see Izzy as being able to rock any planet, let alone Earth (no offense hon).

Okay, now this is troubling. Apparently "superman" is in my spellcheck dictionary, but "supergirl" is not. Sexist pigs. I'm adding it now.

2. Which super power (ability to turn invisible, ability to read people’s thoughts, or invulnerability) would you take and why?

I would have the ability to turn invisible. Screw invulnerability. That's only good in death-defying type situations, most of which could be dodged using invisibility anyway. But in your spare time, in which you're not fighting to survive, it could also be used for pranks, as well as just overall shenaniganeries. Also, I think the ability to read thoughts would just get obnoxious after a while. Well, if it worked like in What Women Want. Why in the hell I'm basing my superhero powers descriptions on a Mel Gibson movie, I have no idea, but that's what I'm doin', so STEP OFF!

3. Would you rather be tied up or tie someone else up? Why?

All of the above. Both parties tied up... Mmm mmm... that's the stuff right there. Just sit there and imagine what you could do to the other, BUT CAN'T! Makes it all the better, the suspense.

4. What is your best physical and non-physical asset?

Best physical asset? Probably my fingers. I use those for playing guitar, and typing lightning-quick. Oh, and the ladies find them mesmerizing.

Non-physical? Most likely my man-mystique.

5. If they were naming new Dwarves beyond the seven what would your name be and why?

Okay, first off, who in the hell would pick me to be an extra dwarf? I'm 6' 5" for crap's sake.

I guess then, if somebody did, that'd make me "Tall-y" or "Not-actually-dwarf-y". Possibly even "What-the-hell-were-we-thinking-y".

Bonus: What’s the most embarrassing thing you ever bought?

I stole some personal lubricant once, although that technically wasn't buying, and I feel obligated (by way of my fragile male ego) to tell you that I stole it for somebody else, and not for personal use.

So, basically, this blog is pointless.

At this point in time I have no readers except my girlfriend, and my girlfriend (who as previously stated is my only reader) has no internet access. Also, in addition to these factors, is that nothing worth writing about ever happens to me anymore.

My life is pointless... and by life I mean blog.

 

Lucious

TMI Tuesday (on Wednesday) IX

1. What did you eat for dinner yesterday?

I had half a crab (with loads of garlic butter), garlic bread, and a salad.

2. How much cash is in your purse/wallet right now?

Exactly $0.00.

3. What have you done to avoid being flirted with by someone you didn’t like?

I just kind of laugh and move on. That generally works.

4. Do you believe the theory “Once a cheater always a cheater”?

I think it depends on the person. Some people should not be allowed to claim to be in a relationship, but others just make really, really stupid decisions. I think though that after twice they're not worth your time.

5. Describe your sex life in two words.

Gigantic penis.

Bonus: Would you/have you ever paid money for sex?

I have not, and also never would. It's too risky STD wise etc. Just not worth my time. Plus I'm stone-cold sexy, so I doubt I'd ever need to. I think that I could get a prostitute to sleep with me for free if I wanted to. She'd ask if she could pay ME.

TMI Tuesday (on Wednesday) VIII

1. Define "infidelity" as it relates to a relationship. Have you ever been guilty of infidelity? Have you ever been the victim of infidelity? Have you ever been a participant in someone else's infidelity?
I have not ever been guilty of infidelity, or the victim of infidelity... or participated in infidelity of any sort. My life is so dull. One of my ex-girlfriends fell for another guy while on the tail end of our relationships, so maybe that counts a little bit...

2. What is the last thing you stole?
Umm... A game called Pirate Farkel. It's pretty sweet. All the dice have skull and crossbones instead of ones, and it comes with a little carrying case. Plus, it's a fun game. Woot for kleptomania!

3. Name one place in your country that you have never been but would like to visit and why.
I used to always want to go to New Orleans and take all the graveyard tours, and visit all the occult shops, just because it'd be neat. I still want to, but not as much as I used to. I'd love to just visit everywhere in a huge, round the country road trip though. That'd be fun.

4. What movies can you watch over and over again?
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, Edward Scissorhands, Nightmare before Christmas, Wayne's World (1&2), A Life Less Ordinary, The Ladykillers, The Big Nothing, Boondock Saints, Sin City, Benny & Joon, I Love You to Death, Caveman... and there are quite a few more movies that I love, but I'm blanking right now. I'm a sucker for a good movie.

5. Who is the last person you saw naked?
In person? My girlfriend, Izzy. And I plan on keeping it that way for as long as I can, because I quite enjoy that sight. Last person period? A few minutes ago I saw an artistic nude on deviantART.

Bonus (as in optional): In honor of the 237 reasons we have sex study. Tell us at least five but not more than ten reason you have had sex.

1. My girlfriend is hot.
2. My girlfriend is horny.
3. I am horny.
4. See #1
5. Probably something about rebelling and whatnot, but who can really tell what you're doing because you want to and what you're doing because other people don't want you to? Teenage years are nice and confusing like that. :P
   

TMI Tuesday (on Wednesday) VII

1. What is the worst/corniest pick up line someone has used on you and/or you used?
Never. Answers both options. Well, not with proper grammar, but I think it gives the proper idea.

2. Have you ever gone out on a date with someone and went home with someone else? Explain.
I don't think I've ever officially been on a date. At least, not one in which I pick somebody up, take them someplace, and then take them to a home. I guess technically I have, in the literal sense of the question, in that me and Izzy have went with some of my friends, and then I go home with my friends after we drop her off. In the sense that is shown in the connotations of the question, however, no.

3. What is the worst thing (spread a rumor, hook up with their SO, etc...) that you did to a friend? Did they do anything to deserve it?
I freaked out on my friend Jillian about something that she was in the right about. It wasn't even really my problem; her and another friend were in a huge fight, and I stepped in, very rudely. I guess that's not even that terrible... *shrugs*

4. What is your favorite sex scene in a regular movie (not porn)? Why?
Fight Club has a ridiculous one with slow motion and everything which is pretty sweet, but I'd have to say the ones in Love Actually. Wait... are they porn? The actors in the movie are playing people who are acting in a porn movie... and the sex is in the porn film within the movie... but it's not actually in a porn film. Dilemma! I'll go with those ones, because they rock. I love the humour in them, and I think they're surprisingly frank for being so fabricated on principle. They're kind of bored with it, because it's their job and all, but there's a level of "falling in love" that you see that's outside of the typical, sex->love process you see in most movies, while still being during sex. Plus, they hold conversations through them. Who doesn't love that kind of sex?

5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? What would you change on your SO?
I would chill the fuck out. I get stressed out about stupid stuff, and then snap at other people for retarded things. It's not fair to them.

About Izzy; self confidence, for sure. She blames herself for every single thing that ever happens regarding her, and she just can't see herself in a good light on barely anything. I think she's getting better about it though, which is a happy thing.

Bonus (as in optional): What countries, other than your own, have you had sex in? Was it someone on the trip with you? Someone from that country?
None. I've had sex in another house... in another city even... but not another country. How does Canada sound, Izzy?

[Edit:] I had sex in a Canadian. That kind of counts, right? Does it make me seem spicier and more well traveled?

Random blog-ness

I have grown increasingly aware of the fact that I no longer write; not just in this blog, but anywhere at all. I used to write quite prolifically. I used to have dreams of being a famous writer, with my own column in a newspaper of magazine, or a famous poet, or just of writing for myself at least. I used to be quite good. I am no longer.

I'm rusty. Rustier than I think I have ever been at anything else in my entire life. How could I let one of my biggest dreams, one of my favorite things to do, fall so lax? It's sad really. I think I've filled that hole, at least at the moment, with music; which I enjoy doing just as much as I enjoyed writing once upon a time, but I still wish that I wrote.

Wow... look at that blog entry. I'd try to edit it at least a bit, but I think I'll leave it. It helps prove my point eh.

TMI Tuesday (on Wednesday) VI

1. Toilet paper: over, under, or what the hell are you talking about?
Over, for sure. Under people are douches. For sure.

2. Toilet when you are done: everything up, seat down but lid up, everything down?
Seat down, lid up. Enough consideration for men who have to pee very badly, without enough time to lift a seat, but also keeps women from falling into toilets.

3. When was the last time you kissed someone not your significant other? [I am talking about a kiss with some gusto not just a little hello or goodbye peck]
Never. Wait, who is not my current significant other, or the current S.I. at the time? The last time besides Izzy was waaaay over a year ago. Almost a year and a half ago. Almost exactly a year and a half ago, actually. I've never kissed anyone besides my current significant other.

4. Would you rather have you significant other (this can be a hypothetical SO) have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else? [You have to pick one.]
Have sex with. Who in their right minds would pick fall in love with? Fall in love with, and they're lost; but if they just have sex you can work it out eh.

5. If you had $1,000,000 to give away, how would you divide it up? Who and how much?
I would get all of it, but I would buy plenty of gifts for everyone. Plus pay off my parents house and new van for them. The rest would go to my education, and to a retirement plan for me and my parents.

Bonus (as in optional): Tell us something that very few people know about you.
My first girlfriend once chased me around in her driveway, insisting that I touch her boobs, but I wouldn't. She had huge boobs too...

Jiffy Pop Madness

Jiffy pop was given to mankind directly from Lucifer himself. No way could a human mind conceive of such torture...

Fun to pop my ass...

:(

She's going to break up with me. I can't even joke around with her like we usually do without it grating on her nerves. We're not going to survive a week of not talking. She's going to realize that I'm not worth it anymore, and leave. She's going to see how much happier her life is without me, and she's going to be gone.

TMI Tuesday (on Wednesday) V (Wednesday in Europe version)

1. Leather, lace or silk?
Lace, by far. Silk is too slippery, and leather is too cow-y, although the latter is best for bondage situations I suppose.

2. Do you subscribe (or regularly buy) to any "dirty" magazines? Which ones?
I think that I would be too self-conscious to ever buy a single magazine, let alone make regular purchases or subscriptions. Besides that, I actually don't have a desire to... at all.

3. Have you ever had sex in water (tub/pool/lake/ocean)?
No I have not. I don't really have a desire to either... why do these questions keep invoking thoughts of mal-desire in me?

4. The three words that best describe you in bed are ____, ____, and ____. Three words that best describe your most recent partner in bed are ____, ____, and ____.
Let me think... best describe me in bed... I honestly couldn't tell you. You would have to ask Izzy; she knows better than I do. For Izzy though? Umm... luscious, adventurous, and surprising. Good combination if you ask me.

5. Did you lose your virginity as an impetuous youth, "to prove that you loved" him/her, because of a romantic gesture, a newly wed or other (please describe because I can't think of what an "other" might be)?
None of the above. Not even other... To be perfectly honest, I never really considered myself to posses "virginity". It wasn't anything that effected my decision to have sex. I never had to grapple with wanting to have sex, but not wanting to lose my virginity, or not wanting to regret it or anything like that. It was always just an issue of "should we have sex" sort of thing, completely separate from virginity.

Bonus (as in optional): Name three words that:
a) get you excited
"Hey look, stairs."

b) make you squirm
"Are you game?" :P

c) make you laugh
"Interpretive moss dance", in a very longing-reminiscent sort of laugh.

TMI Tuesday (on Wednesday) IV

1. What's the sexiest type of underwear?
Whatever Izzy happens to have on at the moment... although the nothing kind is preferable. :P

2. Would you/have you ever paid money for sex?
I wouldn't and haven't. I actually don't think that there's anything inherently wrong with the practice, I just don't think it would be my cup of STD.

3. Is facial/body hair sexy or no? (Moustache, chest, etc. for men, and underarms/legs for women.) Or do you frankly not care?
I frankly don't care. I think that if you can't see past a little bit of hair and still think somebody is sexy, you have issues.

4. What is the strangest thing you've ever seen featured in pornography?
Sex machines. I once saw a video of one that had wheels; they drove it down a road, with a girl on it being fucked by a dildo attached to a machine that pumped it. Very bizarre.

5. What's worse, not enough sex or too much? Is there such a thing as "too much"?
I don't actually have an answer to this. I think that both can be equally bad; you just have to strike a balance.

Bonus: What's the most illegal thing you've ever done (that you can admit to, at least)? Were you caught?
I steal things all the time, but have yet to be caught a s-wait. I stole a piece of jerky when I was about 6 years old that I got caught for. I had to return it. It sucked.

...

There are far too many flies in my home at the moment. It's insane. They are invading my living space, and although I don't notice them most of the time (on account of accustomization), sometimes they really start to piss me off.

They come from a pond we have in our front yard. It's kind of two-tiered, made from a coffin liner sunk into the ground, and then at the head of that earth-indentation, there is a bathtub sitting perpendicular. The bottom pond is alright, but the top pond lies nearly empty; stagnant. It collects flies. Well, fly larvae to be more precise. The fish in the coffin/pond eat the larvae, but the top is empty of fishy life. It used to stay baby-fly-free by way of pump, which circulated water from the bottom-most pond up through a tube, into the bathtub pond, and then back, through a spout, into the bottom pond again. The pond pump, as you probably have guessed, broke some time ago.

The problem will soon be solved though. We have a screen door now, which effectively screens out flies. Who would have guessed, eh? Also, we have put in a new pump. This came with a fountain that my mother made. It is composed of two plant pots. It does not work well. The water all flows out of one side. It is not interesting.

TMI Tuesday (on Wednesday) III

Welcome to the first TMI in which I can actually answer ALL of the questions. Excellent!


1. Who was your childhood hero?
My mother has always been my hero, which I realize sounds so terribly cliched, but it's the truth. She had me when she was really young, and in a terrible situation, but she did a tremendous job of pulling herself out of it and into a better place in her life for me. It took a lot of courage to go through everything she did, and I will always respect and look up to her for that. She fights hard for everything she believes in, but isn't afraid to change her mind about something if she sees a new side to an issue, and is amazingly supportive. She's definitely my hero.

2. Have you ever had sex with someone who has a myspace page?
Yes. Yes I have. We totally did it. :P

3. What fantasies have you openly told your partner about?
When I first read that I thought "partner" was "parent". Let's just say I was seriously weirded out. I don't think I really have fantasies. Well, I've always fantasized that she would

4. Have you ever said you love someone but didn't mean it?
Not consciously. Every single time I've told somebody I love them I meant it fully and completely at the time. Whether or not I was lying to myself, I do not know, but I have never said it and not meant it.

5. Have you ever woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you?
Ummm... I've forgotten I was somewhere when I woke up, but I knew the person, eh, so that doesn't count.

Bonus (as in optional): Do you remember a time when you were having sex that you smile or even laugh about now? Do tell....
Teehee... on a Betty Boop blanket. She's dressed up as Dorothy too, and her dog as Toto. Betty Boop, not the person. That'd be some weird role playing... It was also in very cramped quarters on the floor of my room. Ridiculously cramped quarters, to be more precise. It worked though, obviously.

HNT Tribute

My love is in surgery right this very moment. It's a complex procedure, that basically involves them removing the top plate of her mouth entirely out of her head, fixing it, then placing it back.

I am terrified. I don't honestly know how I would handle her dying. The realization of the possibility hadn't really sunk in until this morning when she called at 6:30 to tell me that she was leaving for her appointment. And then again, when she got there, before she met her anesthesiologist. I am honestly terrified. She'd better be okay...

So, as a way of tribute to Izzy, as she is exposing hers, I'll be exposing my upper-mouth-plate-thing-y as well.

TMI Tuesday (on Wednesday) II

1. Describe your first kiss.
It was at a summer program at the University of Idaho two summers ago. I had been dating a girl from the program since about the second week we were there, and we had been dating for about two or three weeks. For about a week before she kept giving me notes about how bad she wanted to kiss me while in certain rooms, and she tried telling me to kiss her a while before while we were on a ferris wheel, but I totally froze and didn't kiss her. I told her that I had never kissed anyone before, so she said she'd help me out.. Finally we got some time alone, and she asked if she could kiss me, and then she did. Well, after I answered yes, of course. She actually gave me a quick lesson beforehand lol. Man, that sounds like a very feminine first kiss experience doesn't it? Hehe... I started that sentence with "man". I love irony.

2. Should a person's pubic hair be trimmed, shaved, or just grown out as the jungle God intended it to be?
Trimmed is preferable, although I have no problem at all with a full grown forest down there.

3. What's the best super-hero comic book movie ever made?
Daredevil, by far. A blind superhero is the most bad-ass you can possibly get in one single man.

4. Coke or Pepsi?
Pepsi, although if you get a chance to get it in a glass bottle, Coke wins by far.

5. Have you ever been caught masturbating?
Not once. I am a ninja.

6. Which way do you lean your head when going for a kiss?
Whichever way I please! I will not be oppressed!

7. Jockstraps, sexy or no?
... I hate how these are aimed at women, but you know what? I'm going to answer anyways, because I rock like that. Sexy, definitely. It shows that a man is sensitive enough to put himself at risk, but has enough foresight to protect himself as well.

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever used the excuse, "Oh, I was so drunk that night, I don't remember a THING!"

Straight edge for life! And don't you forget it.

Fruit-flavored Cocaine?!?! Count me in!

Holy shit! I'm starting my cocaine addiction today! This whole time, I've been thinking that there was only one negative aspect about it; it did not appeal to my sweet tooth. But hell, now that I can get my blow fruit flavored, the only thing stopping me now is waiting for them to come out with watermelon!

In the article (just click "cocaine", in case you didn't figure that one out on your own), it states that "Drug enforcement agents see this as a marketing tool to lure younger customers.", but I say fie to such over-sleuthing. Who the hell wants the taste of chemicals in the back of their throat? Are children the only ones who should be treated to the whimsical taste of mixed-berry pomegranate while snorting their dope? I think not!

The problem here, my friends, is that cocaine is falling into the same trap of prejudice as alcoholic mixed drinks. FRUIT IS FOR EVERYBODY! FRUIT IS DELICIOUS! Men can eat fruit. Women can eat fruit. Children can eat fruit. Fruit discriminates against no one, and yet men are constantly ridiculed for eating fruit-flavored things; being called "women" or "children".

So, in the same vein of rabble-rousing that I do verily represent, I speak to the masses; stand up for your rights men! Snort your fruity cocaine, drink your fruity drinks, and let no person—man, woman, or child—make you do otherwise.

In an effort to save men's dignity, and taste-buds, everywhere,
Lucious

TMI Tuesday (on Wednesday) I

I didn't do this for a long time because I figured it was mostly aimed at women (especially looking at some of the questions they ask), but then I realized nobody reads this blog anyways. That, and I don't care. It's something to do. So, without further ado, I present to you "TMI Tuesday (on Wednesday)".

1. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I don't have drapes in my house...

2. Have you ever used personal information about someone to blackmail them?
I can't say I have, sorry. I have used somebody's personal information to help them through a problem though. *waits for admiration*

3. What is your favorite thing to lick?
My own penis. I'm just joking with you! Probably lips.

4. Have you ever had sex in a place of worship? (i.e., church, temple, mosque, etc.)
I never have, and probably never wi- WAIT! No sex, but I "got dirty" in one of its many forms in my room, which contains many guitars, which automatically qualify it as being a place of worship.

5. If you watch video porn, do you buy it in a store, from a catalog, online, or download it? LINK!!! ;)
Download it illegally. Or, just view the samples on websites, although I haven't done either in a very long time.

Bonus (as in optional): How often, if ever, do you "fake it?"
Umm... that's a tough one. I've never technically faked "it". I faked coming close to "it" (which I still feel terrible for), but I imagine it's quite difficult for a man to fake "it". At least, in most situations.

There's a time and place for everything...

and here happens to be the time, and place, for me to tell you all a little secret about myself. I've kept this to myself for a very long time, but I think it's time that I reveal to the world what's been hiding deep inside my heart for so long. I know that a lot of people, especially my old best friend, will find what I have to say extremely surprising, maybe even shocking, but it has to be said. I just feel very much that I need to get this off of my chest.

I'm just kind of afraid that my friends, and you all, will never look at me the same way again. You'll begin to judge me, begin to maybe even dislike me because of it. I don't even know how Izzy is going to react... I just hope that she doesn't react badly, and tries to understand. I'm not like this because of anybody, or in spite of anybody; I just over the years have come to realize that a big part of who I was is not a reality, that in truth, I am very different. For many years I pretended I was that thing, living life as a lie. I used to think I was, I swear! I was just confused... But, I know the truth now, and that truth is that—I can't believe I'm telling you all this, finally—I... I... I like cake better than pie. I'm sorry if you don't agree with this viewpoint, but it's how I am! Okay!

HNT/*More bliss/glee*

The past two days have been very good, so as a celebration, here's my first ever HNT!


*looks very happy*

More blogging soon! (hopefully)


Edit: Due to some attempted diffusing on Izzy's part as to the origin of these marks, I feel it necessary to point out that they are indeed caused by her mouth. Thank you, and I apologize for any confusion she has created.

BEWARE THE MAGIC!

Attention all those that may be reading this! I have a new website. Go there! You can read the instructions on the site, but basically it's a way for me to be more creatively active, and I would love for you to send in some suggestions (again, read the site), and possibly pass the url on to everyone you can manage. I want to get busy makin' stuff! I appreciate all submissions.

Thank you,
Lucious Ash

*bliss/glee*

Oh joy is my heart, whilst in the presence of my Izzy!

*even more bliss/glee, in a totally manly way. Because I'm a man like that.*

I know I don't write much anymore... Okay, at all anymore, but I am just so happy right now that I can not contain it.

The day started out splendidly, wi-...

I am so sorry, but I am far too exhausted to launch into one of my narratives at the moment, so instead, I will just explain to you what makes Izzy so perfect. In list form.

1. She has a gorgeous smile. It's one of those smiles that reminds you that you love her, even if she did just finish crushing your pelvis with her palm (completely on accident, of course).
2. She pulls off short shorts like no one I've ever seen. It almost broke my heart to see her change into jeans, although I'm sure it would have been better if I had actually seen it. Which leads into my next point;
3. How the hell does she manage to get her skin that soft? Oh my god, it just takes one run of my hand up her thigh and... *shudders*.
4. She once performed an interpretive dance illustrating, in full, the entire life cycle of moss, to the music of Blue Man Group.
   
5. She smells amazing. Even just smelling the sleeve that she was leaning on makes me happier than even my guitar makes me. If you don't know me that well, this is equivalent to Albert Einstein loving something more than the unified theory.
6. She has great taste in music (even if she does like Spice Girls). I know I rag on her all the time for it, but all her music is good. Of course, she dislikes many of the bands I listen to, but that's forgivable when I don't have to listen to crap when it's her turn to pick music.
   
7. Even if she leads you around for infinity miles down a beach looking for a secluded spot (passing by probably 5 or 6 perfectly suitable spots on the way), looking as sexy as she can possibly manage, you still want to jump her when you finally find said spot. Well, I do, you better not or I may have to kick some ass, which leads into the next point;
8. She has a nice ass. Nice indeed, which is a good deal of why she pulls of the aforementioned short shorts so well (sorry for the objectification, love, but it's true).
9. She hates brillo pads as much as I do.
10. She is an amazing artist (even though she would probably argue me to the death about this, depending on whether she was currently working on something or not). This is sexy.
11. She can sing. Good. Like, probably better than you can (although she would probably argue that as well. If she does, don't listen to her. She doesn't know what she's talking about :P).
12. "The skies are fluffy today!" *thinks happily to himself*
13. She has beautiful, full, gorgeously awe-inspiring lips. They're truly amazing. And luscious. And lithe... And supple. Yes... *thinks happily to himself again*
14. Her writing is remarkably thoughtful and insightful, especially when compared the writing of her peers.
15. She once, without provocation, launched into a detailed description of a chemical process involved in food-making. It was quite thorough.
16. Kleptomaniac! (don't worry though, they were prismacolours, so it was justified)
17. She doesn't mind that I'm a bit of a klepto.
18. "Pleasey please, pleasey please, pleasey pleasey please please."
19. She has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen; all be-speckled with a myriad of colours. Probably the most beautiful eyes that you'll ever see as well. HEY! I see the disbelief in your insanely-inferior eyes! I wouldn't lie to you, okay? Stop being so damn cynical.
    
20. She won't mind that I stopped the list here, for the sake of all the people reading this who don't want to hear my love-stricken ranting.
    

Yes, that's right. Izzy contains all of those qualities, and much, much more. *waits for the sound of minds being blown*

That's it for this entry, so until next time (hopefully sooner than usual), I bid thee all adios.

The Origin of Hardware Store Sales Clerk Gil

Here, for your reading pleasure, is a screenplay I wrote for my English class. Well, a section of a screenplay. The assignment was to make a film interpretation of a King Arthur legend. I chose the origin of Sir Galahad. This whole thing won't be nearly as interesting (if it's even interesting at all) if you don't already know a bit about the story, so if you don't, I suggest reading this first. Of course, this is just a friendly suggestion; you don't have to read anything here at all. But if you do, I do bid thee a good reading!

Oh, and before anybody complains; I know that it's a little too cliched, but it's due tomorrow and I just finished writing it (started a few hours ago), so I wasn't too worried about content.

Scene 1

Establishing shot of the exterior of a lower class, rural, run-down house.

Dolly quickly towards door to extreme close-up of a man’s squinted eyes as door swings violently open.

Perry

Who have you brought in now?

Close up of Lenny’s face. Lenny looks slightly panicky.

Reaction shot of Perry’s shock.

Perry

Come on in.

Zoom out again to full view of building as Gil and Lenny walk in.

Wide shot angle of the inside of the small home; knickknacks covering everything. Pan over, starting at the door, following the three and stop as they sit down at a large, round family dinner table in the dining room at the far end of the house from the door.

Gil

Where is your bathroom?

Reaction shot of Lenny staring off into space.

Perry (stepping in to answer for Lenny)

Down the hall and to the left.

Medium shot of the Lenny and Perry sitting at the table.

Perry

So what all is going on here?

Lenny

Well, you remember about 17 years ago, when me and Gwen had just started our thing?

Perry

Yeah. The days of hope, eh.

Lenny

Yeah. Well, she had always told me that she would leave Arty, but she never did. I got fed up. I told her I was leaving, that I wouldn’t put up with her crap anymore. She said that things would change; she was just waiting for the right time. I left that night.

Lenny (narrating)

I walked out that door, planning to never come back.

Medium shot of door opening, a younger Lenny walking through, and door closing.

I headed back to my house, which was just a little ways down the street.

Favoring angle of younger Lenny in a crowd of people, from street looking at building facades, walking down the street. Camera pans and follows him all the way down the road until he enters the door of his house.

When I got there, Ellie was sitting on the couch. She was there waiting for my roommate, who had given her a key a while ago after they started getting serious. They had been having problems recently, and she had been sitting there on the couch for an hour waiting for him already; and not the first time either.

Over the shoulder of Lenny at the door, still open. A young girl sits on the couch, slumped over and melancholy.

I sat down and we started talking, and as the conversation went on, we just kept getting closer and closer. I’m pretty sure you know what’s coming, so I’ll spare you the details.

Low angle from a corner of the coffee table in front of the couch, viewing the two talking and enjoying themselves.

Medium shot of Lenny and Perry sitting at the dining room table

Lenny (narration ended)

I left in the morning, full of regret. I shouldn’t have slept with her, I know that now, but at the time I just wanted to forget, you know?

Perry (nodding)

So, where is Elaine now?

Lenny

Hell if I know. I got a call from his great aunt, saying that she couldn’t take care of the boy anymore. She’s just getting too old, you know? Anyways, apparently she’s had him since he was pretty young. I was the only person that she could think of that might take him, but honestly I don’t know what I’m going to do; I can’t handle a kid.

Perry

He’s not really a kid anymore Lenny, he’s 17.

Lenny (growing angrier)

Then what the hell am I supposed to do with him? I didn’t want anything to do with this to begin with, and Ellie didn’t want me to be involved either.

Perry (snapping back)

Well, you’ve got to take him now! What are you going to do, just leave him on the street? Just make sure he’s got a place to stay for god’s sake, I think you can handle that. Maybe take him to the shop on Monday and give him a job.

Lenny

And what the hell do you expect him to do? He hasn’t finished high school, he hasn’t worked a day in his life; he’s basically worthless.

Perry

He can push a god-damned broom. Give the boy a chance.

Favoring shot of Gil standing off to the side, behind the table where Perry and Lenny are sitting.

Lenny

I’m so sorry Gi-

Gil (cutting Lenny off and looking slightly hurt)

No, it’s fine. It’s true anyways.

Gil walks angrily off screen; door slams.

Lenny

How am I supposed to deal wi-

Perry (cutting off Lenny, very assertively)

Just take him to the shop tomorrow!

Perry walks off screen, door slam is heard again. Perry’s voice is heard, muffled. Gil’s voice is heard, and then Perry’s response slightly louder. Gil walks back onscreen.

Lenny

I’m sorry.

Gil

I know.

Lenny

It’s just that I haven’t seen your mother in years, and this is just a lot to take in all at once.

Gil

Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself; I just need a place to stay.

Lenny

Well, if you’re staying here, then you’re going to come work for me on Monday.

Gil (with more than just a little bit of resignation in his voice)

Fine.

Scene 2

Establishing shot of the outside of a small hardware store with “A&L Hardware” written on a large sign sitting on the roof.

Wide shot of the inside of the hardware store. Pan around a bit. It is rather small and dingy; a few shelves are slanting a bit, the paint is peeling in spots, but overall it’s a respectable looking place. Lenny and Perry are standing at a counter.

Full shot of Lenny and Gil standing behind the counter.

Lenny

So here it is.

Gil

It’s kind of crappy looking.

Lenny

Hey! You wouldn’t say that if you had to pay for it out of your own pocket. It took me 6 years to scrape up enough cash to restore this place. Me and my buddies used to work here when we were teenagers, and it was a heartbreaker the day that they closed down. Me and Arty finally saved up enough money to buy it though, and we restored it to what you see today. Sure, it needs a little more work, but it works just fine how it is now. We all work here now. We like think us all being on the same level here, since we’ve all been working here for about the same amount of time. Nobody’s manager, or owner; we’re all just employees.

Gil

I guess it doesn’t sound too bad.

Lenny

You’re welcome to work here for as long as you want to; until you find someplace better or until we all grow too old to carry a screw anymore. Either way is fine with me.

Full shot of Arty walking in the front door.

Full shot of Lenny and Gil behind the counter.

Lenny

You’re late today Arty, what’s up?

Medium shot of Arty walking past aisles, camera panning beside him.

Arty

Ah, just off “adventuring” friendly, hearty chuckle. I had to go visit a supplier today about that broken cash register. They didn’t know anything about that model either.

Full shot of counter; Lenny and Gil standing behind, arty leaning against the front.

Lenny

What is that? The third supplier that didn’t have that damned part? It just doesn’t make sense to make a cash register that you can’t buy replacement parts for.

Arty

Well, it doesn’t help either that the cash register was installed here the year the store was built; and god knows how long ago that was.

Gil (walking towards a cash register that has an “out of order” sign on it)

Is it this one?

Lenny

Yeah, just be sure not to-

Medium shot of Gil standing behind the counter near the cash register. Gil reaches for the cash register drawer.

Reaction shot of Lenny and Arty urgently yelling at Gil to stop.

Medium shot of Gil as the drawer slides open easily.

Lenny and Arty walk over, amazed.

Gil

What?

Arty

Anytime one of us opens that register, the drawer pops open violent, knocking the register backwards and off the counter. That’s how it got broke in the first place.

Gil

You just have to press this button over here; it’s a manual release for the drawer, so that the spring doesn’t take over. I figured that’s what was broken on it.

Arty

How do you know so much about that?

Gil (looking lost in thought in his memory, almost as if having a vision)

My great aunt worked at a little grocery store. They had two old machines just like this one; both of their drawer springs were broken, so I figured this one’s was as well.

Lenny (motioning for Gil to follow him)

Come with me.

The three walk off screen together.

Full shot of the three standing in a break room in front of a water cooler.

Arty (picking up on what Lenny is doing)

We bought this water cooler a couple weeks ago, and it worked out fine; until the water ran out that is.

Lenny

As soon as it came time to replace it with another water jug, we realized that we hadn’t a single clue how to remove this one.

Arty

All of us tried to remove it, but we just couldn’t get it. We lost the user manual, and the water supplier couldn’t figure it out either.

Lenny

You want to take a stab at it?

Gil (looking slightly amused)

Sure

Medium shot of Gil contemplating the water cool. He looks all around it, and inspects the connection closely. He then grabs hold of the jug, and with a complex set of twisting and pulling, slides it clean off the cooler.

Full shot of the three standing beside the cooler, Gil with jug in hand.

Arty

Oh my sweet heavenly Jesus! This boy is a mechanical genius!

Gil (blushing)

It really wasn’t that hard.

Lenny

Well then, do you think you can figure out what’s wrong with that cash register?

Gil

Yeah, probably.

Arty

When you figure that out, do you want to go to one of our suppliers to ask for the part, too?

Gil

Yeah, I can manage that.

Arty

Oh thank god; that would be a lifesaver.

Lenny

And hey, now we can have fresh water again!

Full shot of the three celebrating, zoom out through the walls and pause on a full shot of the hardware store.

Random narrator voice

And thus began the quest of Gil for the missing cash register part.

Segment from a Macbeth monologue

Is this a dagger which I see before me,
Handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.
Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible
To feeling as to sight? Or art though
But a dagger of the mind, a false creation,
Proceeding from the heat oppressed brain?
I see thee yet, in form as palpable
As that which now I draw.
Though marshall'st me the way I was going,
And such an instrument I was to use.

That was all from memory by the way. It was for an English assignment, and is due tomorrow, and so I was panicking because I haven't looked at it in the past week and a half in which we were supposed to be learning our 10 line section, but I pulled it together in the past like 15 minutes. Yay for me! Fun monologue, I like it a lot.

A musical retrospective (also known as Rant #1)

Quick disclaimer: I am using "classical" here as a generic term for most music before the early 1900's, before the advent of jazz. Before you get yourself all in a tizzy over how classical refers to a specific period of European musical history, just keep in mind that I am using this to refer to not only classical, but a wide range of early types of music, as well as most contemporary instrumentals. Also, I am using "contemporary" to list most all other types of music including, but not limited to, jazz, blues, rock (and all it's variations), reggae, and even big band. Also keep in mind that this is my personal music opinion, which I generally am very passionate about, but even if it sounds like it, I do not look down on anybody for listening to any kind of music. Even the ones I'm dissing in this post. Just because I support other people listening to it though, doesn't mean that I have to like it myself.

I understand the appeal of classical music. I get how beautiful it is, how masterfully it is constructed. I get the dramatic dynamics, and the inter-weaving of each individual piece as it creates the great tapestry that is a classical composition. I get what in it appeals to people, but it just doesn't appeal to me.

To me, classical music is good. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate it. Like I've said, I understand that it is good, I like it, but if I were to choose among some of the most brilliant writers of music of all time, my selections would come more from the likes of Lou Reed (pre-solo career), Black Francis, and Bob Dylan, rather than Vivaldi or Bach. To me, these people are far greater musicians than Beethoven or any of his elite club of genius musicians. What always bothered me about classical music is the lack of what, to me, makes music music; feeling. Every time that a symphony (or other fitting musical group) plays one of these pieces it sounds exactly the same as every other time they've played it, as well as every other time that somebody else has played it (save for errors and improvements, or differences in instrumentation). Every trill is precisely where it is supposed to be, every lead voice (not literal, but including instrument "voice") hits just the right notes that are lined up before him (or her) on the sheet music; every single person who has ever heard anybody perform that particular pieces knows exactly what to expect. Sure, some performances may be more masterful than others, but besides this small difference in skill, each is identical. If you hear a live performance of a more modern band, however, every single time a new band plays it it is unique. Some may argue that this is because it takes less technical skill, and therefor is worse, but I think it's these imperfections that make it all the more meaningful. Music is supposed to hit you where nothing else can; it's supposed to express emotions or ideas that the words alone cannot; it is meant to be individualized. To me, classical music never accomplished that individualism. Of course, keep in mind that this is my opinion, and I'm not going to judge other people for liking classical music, like it seems many classical-listeners do. As I said, music is about individuality, and if classical music moves you, then I'm all for it. I've got no beef against any music; just the mindset of people who listen to a lot of it, which brings me into my next topic.

I have never really got the mindset of "classical music is intelligent, contemporary music is not". I do understand that a great deal of contemporary music is not intelligent at all- in fact, a good majority of it is the exact same crap, re-mixed and sent out again- but take into consideration that the classical music we hear is the best of what existed. Only really the most innovative of each time period got carried on to the next. Time has weeded out all the pieces of crap that were around at that time, just as people a few hundred years from now will never hear the Good Charlotte or any one of the Metal-by-numbers bands, just the Pixies and Red Hot Chili Peppers and the likes, because nobody carries on unoriginal. Their music wasn't brilliant. It had shining stars, that carried on, just as will happen with our music today. I don't consider myself any less intelligent because the sound of Billy Corgan's voice moves me more than that of a piccolo.

My Visual DNA

Here's what makes me tick; a visual representation of my concept of what matters.

Shit.

My mother just said "Fuck you" to me. That's a first.

Even a thought, even a possibility, can shatter us and transform us.

Friedrich Nietzsche

A Very Bland Post About a Very Bland Subject

There is a distinct and thorough lack of emotion running through my veins these days. I find as the weeks go by, I begin to care less and less about what's going on immediately around me. I don't quite understand why either.

In just a few months I will barely be seeing my mother at all. It drives me nuts that we have to spend almost all of our time now fighting. It absolutely pisses me off, and that fuels my "back-talking" to her. I'm just getting so sick and tired of fighting constantly. Lately I've been overly snappy to her. I just don't really care anymore. I understand that I should, and me acting the way that I do is not at all the way I should act, but I just can't help it. I don't care at the time, so I just spout off. I hate that this is what I'm becoming, but I feel so out of control.

I don't think the problem really is that I don't care though. I think that I'm just so over-burdened with stress and shit that I can't cope, so I'm just shutting down. I can feel that I'm on the brink of snapping, of just having an intense nervous breakdown, yet at the moment I don't feel much. I kind of feel like I might be pretty severely depressed too. I'm not sure though. At this moment in time there's mostly just a bland melancholia.

An Interview of One Lucious Ash

This one's courtesy of my love, Izzy, who I'm not allowed to link here but I definitely would if I could.

First, a few quick notes:

1. I'm sorry Izzy, for taking so long to answer
2. Yes, I write an excessive amount for everything, but you can get over it because IT'S MY GODDAMN BLOG!
3. Occasionally I snap, and I apologize to anybody who was offended by quick note #2

1) What's the most awkward situation you've ever been in with a family member?

Awkward? I never realized how awkward that word was...

When contemplating on how to answer this question, at first I thought, "I have nothing akwa-" but that's about as far as I got until I remembered... *shudders*

First, a little blue-print summary of my house: I have a northward facing door (I'm not sure what that does to the fung shui). When you walk into my front door, you are immediately in my dining room. To the left is my kitchen. To the right; my front room/living room. If you continue straight, from my door, there is a hallway. The entrance to this hallway lies a little right of center from my house. My room is a quick right-turn from this entrance, and down the hallway in the other direction, on your right-hand side, is my sister's room, my parents' room, and then, at the end of the hallway, the bathroom.

It was one fateful morning when this most odious of events occurred. I woke up, just like any other morning, save for it being a little earlier than usual. The reason for this early-bird-behavior happened to be a need for urination, so I was quite speedy in my efforts to reach my bathroom. I climb down the stairs from my bed (I have a sort of loft-bed), then head for my door. As my hand touches the door knob, I can hear the sounds of footsteps coming down the hallway towards me. As I swing the door open I feel an immediate sense of regret for my 2 liter of 7*up the previous night, as I see my father walking straight at me, fully naked.

I don't think that either of us ever mentioned it. It was while I was still very young, so he probably assumes I don't remember. He is very wrong.

2) You found a genie, but it was a motivational speaker in a past life and refuses to consider requests for petty things like money or several-thousand-dollar guitars. So what are three wishes for your future?

What about a free college education? Does that count? I mean, basically it's money, but technically it's asking for a chance to succeed. Motivational speakers love that shit. Yeah, that counts. WISH NUMBER ONE!

Wish number two: A chance to go back in time (ironic, going back in time for the future) to get an earlier start on college stuff. As it stands, I have $0 from scholarships, and I haven't filled out hardly any.

Wish number three: I would wish that Izzy could stop worrying about stuff so much, and not feel guilty for everything.

3) Other than E.T., what illogical and ridiculous things are you afraid of? (I'm afraid of closed shower curtains and microwave ovens that are currently operating.)

Damn. That would have been the one I said. I'm afraid of the shower curtain thing too. You took all my good ones! umm... *thinks hard* I am afraid of nothing. Nah, I'm just kidding. I guess the thing I'm most afraid of is people hating me if I were to talk to them, which is ridiculous/illogical because the chances of somebody hating me just for talking is ≤ no chance at all.

4) Okay. You're a completely retarded superhero. But which one? Like...Morbidly-Obese-yet-Healthy Man, or Can't-Untie-Her-Shoes Woman! How would that superpower help you fight crime, or whatever it is superheros do. Get in the front of the line at Disneyland, maybe.

I would be Instantly-Grow-A-ZZ-Top-Beard-Man. This beard would serve a number of purposes, all of which would be very handy to be able to call upon instantly. (Please note, while not all of these directly relate to my ability to fight crime, lookin' good is a priority for every superhero, and thus, if I did not look good, my superhero-ing abilities would be impaired)

1. It would make me look ultra-sexy, although I'm not sure how much of an improvement that would be on my current status.
2. I could easily, and instantly, disguise myself in the event that a super-villain were to come after me. When he found me, he would merely think me to be either of the ZZ Top members, and would pass me by with only a short request for my autograph.
3. I could use it as a bib, and then just shave it off after my meal. (You know you'd want that power)
4. If I awoke one morning to find that I had an enormous zit on my face, and I had a very important meeting that day, I could just cover it up.
   
5. If I awoke one morning to realize that my long years of partying and promiscuous sex had left me with a raging herpes problem, I could just cover it up.
6. Bullet deflection. Have you seen how luscious those things are?
7. To protect my chest from rain, in the event that I am caught in a sudden rainstorm without an ascot.
8. In case I were to lost a button off of my shirt, I could just grow out my beard, and no one would ever know.
9. Extra storage room in a pinch.
10. A carrier for the occasional injured woodland creature I might pick up.
11. And finally; *dinner roll, please* That massive of an amount of hair growing in an instant, has got to have some massive force as well. Great self defense in case Nympho-Woman tries to get a piece of this *gesticulates in a manner to show off entire body*.
    

5) If you could see any musician/band/musical act, past or present, alive or dead, which one would it be?

Blue Man Group, hands down. They put on an absolutely fantastic show. The music is great, the visuals are great, and conceptually they are superb. They use alternative instrumentation, and I absolutely love the dynamics between them.

An Account of one Very Unhappy Dream

Why is this the first dream that I can remember in the past year or so?


Me, my mother, my father, and my sister are all in a car on a road trip. We're driving along some old highway through some mildly hill-y terrain, much like that in Idaho, for a couple hours, just enjoying the view. The entire time we sit in complete silence.

We finally get somewhere. It's a fantastic view; an impressively tall, yet surprisingly low-energy waterfall sits above a beautiful lake, spewing out its water to the placid surface below. We get out and just relax for a little bit, then change into our bathing suits.

After we're all changed, we go up onto the river that is feeding the waterfall, and splash around for a bit, when suddenly we realize we have slid down to the mouth of the waterfall. We stop for a short time, just sitting at the edge, water rushing all around us. From our viewpoint we can see the rolling hills for miles and miles around, and then some craggy mountains off in the distance. My mother is sitting near the middle of the waterfall, with me on her left side and my sister on the right. We're preparing to jump. I look over at my mother.

"If we jump, we probably will die," she tells us, rather emotionless.

I say, with a look of determination in my eye, "Well, we'll see. I'll see you on the other side."

"Really?" She says to me in a manner obviously doubting my intention to jump.

We then start talking about something else and lose track. We sit, just enjoying all that is around us, and the good company. Then, out of the blue, my mother vaults herself off of the cliff. She lands in the water head first, her body in kind of an "L" shape. She hits the water, and floats, face-down for a moment, still in her position, and then rolls over onto her back, obviously dead. Her eyes are cold and motionless. Her body stiff and unyielding.

Me and my sister sit there for a moment, in shock. I remember a distinct lack of emotion. There is a slight something tugging at our hearts, but nothing enough to stir us.

Then we're in the car, driving. All of us, now down to me, my father, and my sister, sit in silence, just as we did on the ride there; except now the silencing factor is something much different than the view of the countryside.

My cellphone rings, then it hangs up. For a split second, I expect it to be my mother; I even check my call history to see. I see my mother's name attached to one of the incoming call's numbers, and I get excited for just a moment at the prospect of it all having been a terrible mistake. Maybe we just left her there, right? But then I realize that the number I had seen was two down from the top, a call from yesterday.


What gets to me about this whole thing is how calm everyone was the whole time. We all seemed to kind of understand. We were shocked, but we kind of just understood. She knew she was going to jump when she did. She wanted to be free; liberated.

Me and my mother have been having difficulties getting along for quite some time now. Just the typical kind of teenage/mother rift-forming from me wanting independence in my life, and her still trying to help me succeed. I'm having a really hard time at that whole succeeding thing lately. It kills her, I know, and she thinks that I believe it's all her fault I'm not succeeding. There's a terrible amount of issues between us right now, too many to explain in this post at least, but that's the gist of it. I haven't been handling it well, and she really hasn't either.

She is usually (meaning when we are not fighting, which seems to be most of the time now) happy, but lately I fear, not actively or probably logically, that she might be having problems that none of us are seeing. After that dream, I really began to fear that she could be struggling with something that none out of the lot of us know. Was this a premonition dream? I sure hope not, but it was giving me chills all morning. Every time I thought about my mother, or somebody even mentioned the word "mother", I felt instantly terrified. My heart rate sped up, and my mind froze in a panic. I, for those moments, felt terror like I have never felt before in my life. I had to remind myself that it was just a dream, and then it went away; but still the sentiment lingered.

Is it maybe symbolic of our drifting apart? Like she's becoming lost to me? I feel it's more of this, but then again, that tiny little part of our brains that whisper fears into our conscious keeps telling me that she's going to die. This is not a happy thought.

Spring Break; Abridged.

Oh thank Jesus almighty, school has started back up again.

I have never been so happy in my entire life to go back to that damned place. Okay, okay, so it's not that bad, but it's sure as hell bad enough to need a break from. This time, however, the break did not treat me well. Okay, so overall it wasn't that terrible, but there was quite a bit to make me want social contact again.

It started off absolutely perfectly. On that Saturday, I got to see Izzy. We did the beach clean-up here on one of the local beaches. Her father drove her over, and it was a day filled with happiness and volunteer-work. We talked, and goofed around. We wrestled on the grass. I bit her ass. There was much nipple biting. Good times. Then we went over to Dairy Queen and picked up a burger. There was a slight mishap with shitty service, but that smoothed over as soon as I got my damned Butterfinger Blizzard I ordered. Then we chilled at my house for a bit. A splendid day, really.

The next few days went fantastically (although not as good as my weekend). Doin' nothing, except getting a couple job applications and such. Mostly just chillin', web surfin', TV watchin', and all those other lazy activities that so fittingly can be made lazier with an "in'" at the end. Times were good. Life was good. But then the first blow came.

On Thursday I was supposed to head over to Izzy's hometown (as shall be called "Scratching Beans" here) to get me some meningitis vaccination (we're "poor", and didn't have anyone around here that would give them out cheap enough to afford right now, and Scratching Beans was one of the closest we could find), so I figured that I'd invite her to come with use. We could hang out for a while beforehand, and then chill afterwards, maybe get some dinner with my family, and everyone would be happy. She would even get to see me in intense physical pain (I am terrified of needles. Not so much the needles, but I hate the feeling of whatever they're injecting going into you. It gives me the heebies). It would be fun for all, but nope. Not going to happen. Her mother approved, then vetoed her ability to go. Dammers... I guess I'll just spend a day in intense physical arm pain, and Izzy-less to boot. I did get to see her for a little bit though. She had some library books to return (they were due one of the days she was gone), so she got out of the house and I walked to the library to see her. As it turned out, the trip wasn't that terrible. We ended up taking a mini-road trip, which was fun. It was me, my mother, my father, my sister, and my sister's friend (who will here be called Baffolo). We just kind of drove off and ended up quite a ways away, then turned around and came home.

Come Friday I had yet another day to relax. Sounds good right? Wrong. My Izzy was gone (described here), and the sinking realization that I got absolutely nothing done my entire break sinks in. I was supposed to get a job. I failed, so now I have to do 2 hours of work everyday (2.5 on the weekends) without pay, until I find a job. This of course leaves me absolutely no time to find a job, so I'm kind of stuck there. In addition to this horrid realization, I also found out that I cannot find a single scholarship I'm eligible for that hasn't already passed. AND I hadn't sold a single candy bar for my physics class. I still have about 80 left, that I was supposed to have sold by tomorrow, but still haven't sold. And, to top it all off, I got a letter telling me that I did not make it into Reed (my dream college, although I did get on the waiting list).

The next day I had to work. We ended up working for about seven hours. I got $50 though, so I can't really complain about that. The job wasn't that hard either; I was carrying wood from trees that had been cut down and removing gorse. Damn I hate that stuff. I got to use a pick-y thing though, which was fun. I found a golf ball and ended up spending about a half an hour or more trying to crack it open. I failed, of course. A wet ball is hard to hit with a narrow wedge of equally wet metal.

Sunday was the road trip. Our road trips are always good. We don't plan, planning is for losers. Instead, we just pick a direction and drive. Then we drive back. Fun right? This one was a good one; we drove to Florence and spent all day looking through antique shops. I love those things. I ended up finding an old Minute 16 pocket camera and a Kodak Duaflex III, both from the mid-'50s, as well as a "Flash Master" and a sweet old lighter. As you can probably guess, I collect antique cameras. 's fun stuff.

So there it is; my spring break, quick 'n dirty. Well, the spring break wasn't, unfortunately, but the description was. I hope yours was more interesting than mine was, and I bid thee a good evening.

Disneyland-bred Philosophy

No, not the theme park, but rather the world of Disney cartoon characters. It's amazing what little, seemingly insignificant things you see throughout your day can do to your psyche.

Just this morning I was watching a cartoon on the Disney channel (I believe it's called The Replacements, although this isn't an important fact) in which the main character starts taking karate lessons from an über-cliché "karate master" named Craig. One of the first things he is taught is that, like a butterfly, through hardwork someday he too will change, and then he is shown a cocoon. Or something like that. It was a Disney cartoon, so I doubt it was stated any more poetically than that.

Now I know what you're thinking; "Ooooh, he learned that someday he too can fly free, like a butterfly!" WRONG! I am not this simple of a man. Plus I'm not that optimistic. What went through my head as this scene played before my eyes was "HOLY CRAP! CATERPILLARS CHANGE INTO BUTTERFLIES!".

I am not as dim-witted as this may make me sound. I just had forgotten about all that cocoon business. I even forgot how to spell cocoon. True story. I knew at one point in time, probably around third grade, but somehow that information just wasn't important enough to be retained in my immediate memory.

Why would something like this be forgotten? Caterpillars still change to butterflies. Probably hundreds of thousands of butterflies go through complete metamorphosis every year, but I still had forgotten. It probably seems like a small thing to forget to most people, but to me this poses a very troubling question; Have we, as a society (specifically the adults in our society), lost sight of the world around us?

Sure, we say that we know what's going on in the world, and when asked will probably cite statistics for the number of US soldiers dead in Iraq, or detail out an important court case that we've recently been following, but is that really what's important?

Humans, as a whole, have become far too self-involved. The world is our cultures and our societies, but there are millions of other species of animals out there that are comparable in both population size and social-interaction. I don't know about the rest of the world, but I can only assume that they follow the same path of ignorance of these things that I regularly do. I don't mean knowledge of how they work either, but rather a recognition of their existence.

Take some time and study ants. Yes, that's right, I said ants. Those same pesky little buggers that incite you to call the exterminator in to prevent them from crawling all over your counters, or that you merely brush away at picnics. The complexity of ant colonies is absolutely astounding. I swear to god, spend a good deal of time studying ants and it will turn your world upside down.

It's incredible the social structure that they have developed, and their intense, heartfelt efforts to further the good of their colony. There are ants that go out to scavenge food, there are ants that rebuild tunnels, there are ants that do nothing but stay at the colony and take care of the larvae, there are ants that do nothing but bring food directly to the queen, there are ants that take care of the food to make sure it's molding properly. There are even specialized ants that are only born every once in a while that take flight and try to start new colonies. Every ant has a purpose, a job, and they all do their absolute, and I mean literally absolute, best at their specific task.

And their intelligence is astonishing as well! Many species of ants even have symbiotic relationships with other species of insects, and even plants; offering protection to the other member in exchange for food, or shelter. There is even a special species of ants in South America that have learned that if they move their "cows" (I do not remember what they're actually called, but you'll see why I call them cows in a moment) to different parts of the plant, they produce different levels of sweetness in their excretions, which the ants eat. The ants then use this knowledge to heard their cows around to the parts of the plant with the best food supply, so that they can have sweeter food themselves. They even move their cows under leaves if it starts raining heavily to protect them. This may seem a bit far fetched for mentioning, but all ants have the capability to be this intelligent. They just haven't learned it yet.

What is most amazing about all of this, to me at least, is that we go along in our everyday lives missing even the most general sense of what these incredible insects are accomplishing. Why is this? Children get it. Have you ever seen a child sit outside in the grass, just staring at the ground? They see the ants scurrying about, and in their minds they comprehend. They get what they're doing. They see the similarities to humans. Are children smarter than adults? No, but they take time to look at the world around them.

This world exists whether we want to take the time to notice or not, and I feel that we, meaning man-kind in general, need to take a moment to get re-acquainted with the world that we lost so long ago.

Sad Times in a Happy New Place or Happenstance Abounds!

So, taking a cue from my love, Izzy, I'm starting anew, with a completely fresh blog. I've still got my old one on here, in case of a need for random perusal at a later time in my life, but this one's all new, starting fresh from here on out. I'm going to make an attempt to actually blog too. I was going to use Vox for this, but Blogger has always been good to me. Plus I like the thought that someday down the line I may learn some decent web-coding skills, at least enough so that I can make my own template of sorts.

That's the happy part, so now for some sadness.

As I mentioned before, I have a girlfriend (named Izzy here). I love her, but alas, she lives far, far away from me and I don't get to see her nearly as often as I would like. Okay, so maybe my dizzyingly intense teenage love is over-judging this distance just a little, but 30 minutes is a long time of driving! Plus the fact that I have no driver's license. And no car. I am working on the driver's license bit though, so hopefully the frequency of our meetings will increase in the near-ish future. BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE SAD PART! Well, not at the moment at least. First, let me give you a little background on me and Izzy.

It's the summer of '06, in the faraway land of Idaho, in my second year of a program called Upward Bound Math and Science at the University of Idaho.

But first a brief interlude; Because you probably don't know this I feel I should mention I have a sort of... reputation at UBMS (as we fondly call it). Well, it's a reputation now, but this is a matter of no importance! My first year in the UBMS program I came home with a girlfriend. Not literally, mind you, but in the sense that I had met someone. Me and this girl dated for about 7 months, until 3 days after my birthday, at which point I got a phone call filled with sobbing and starting with these simple, yet effective words: "I can't do this anymore".

The "this" she was referring to was, of course, our relationship, and I later found out that "I can't do this anymore" translates roughly to "I have met another man who can make me far happier than you can at the moment". But of course this has not much to do with the memoirical (yes that's right, I make up words, get used to it) anecdote at hand, except to point out that the year before I had met a woman with which I had a relatively long term relationship with.

So jumping back in where we left off; I was far away from home. I should also tell you that I am one of the most excruciatingly quiet and shy people you probably could ever meet. It was about the second day into the program (pardon me if I miss a few dates by a bit, although I doubt anybody that would be reading this besides my love would care) when our program entered into a sort of tournament of one of most primeval activities known to man with the other on-campus programs. No, not gladiator fights to the death; although I think I most likely would have gained a considerably larger amount of satisfaction out of such an event (even though I would find out soon that an even greater satisfaction was in store for me). I'm talking about sports. Basketball, to be specific, and as you have probably guessed by now I am no athlete. In fact, the mere thought of even lifting a basketball brings me wheezing to my knees. *cough* I mean it's stupid and dreadfully primitive, and I would have no part in it. I am quite manly, in case you might be pondering on that point.

So in my anti-coordination-requiring-physical-activity protesting I happened upon a group of people with which I sat and talked. I actually think I ended up there on accident, but I can't remember that specific of details. I was pretty cool with that group. I don't remember everybody who was there, but I do remember a girl named LayCey, with whom I had already spent a 6 week period with at the previous UBMS, so I was pretty comfortable at the time. I also remember a distinctively artsy and intriguing girl sitting almost directly across the circle from me (she was drawing away at her sketchpad, and keeping quiet for the most part). Then everybody moved. Everybody, that is, except me and Mystery Girl. I think we actually sat there for some period of time. Then the strangest thing happened; I started talking to her.

FREEZE FRAME! This is where I very strongly stress to you again the severity of my shyness/quietness. Almost any other time that I would have gotten sat, alone, next to somebody, especially someone I found attractive, the conversation would consist of approximately this:

"So, you like the program so far?"

"Well, it is only the second day, but my room mate seems pretty cool."

"Yeah, mine too."

"Yeah."

Full Stop.

So us talking then seemed nothing short of a miracle, but we just clicked. I found out her name (it shall be Izzy here), but besides that I don't really remember what we talked about. We talked for a very long time. I do remember that, however, as being one of the greatest conversations I've had with anybody in my entire life. Even then I think I felt unbelievably comfortable with her. But I'm getting ahead of myself, so let me get back to the story.

She was at the time drawing (or sketching, or working at some other point in the artistic process involved in rendering a rendition of something) the cover to Guns and Rose's greatest hits album. You know, the one with the two guns facing away and the intertwining rose branches. I remember being amazed at her artistic ability as she shaded the gun barrels. I found out later that she was making it as a present to her boyfriend at the time. We talked for a while alone, and then some of the emo-kids from the Upward Bound (no math and science) program came over and chilled with us for a while, obviously flirting with Izzy at points. These boys later became known by me and Izzy fondly as heterosexual life-partner guy and heterosexual life-partner (because they were constantly wrestling around and always together). Man those were good times. I remember specifically one time when they went walking through the lunch hall in dresses. But I digress; I remember even then I felt a little jealous of their lustings after Izzy, although she seemed to be taking care of herself quite well. I remember her mercilessly mocking them, to my great amusement and their ignorance. I also remember that I made some snappy remarks at them as well, which was just as out of character as me talking to Izzy in the first place. She's always inspired me to be outgoing and feel comfortable around myself.

There was quite a bit of time spent on that lawn talking and joking around, and there are plenty of mini-anecdotes from then but here are the highlights: A Pringles can full of water being exploded at someone, pop bottles being thrown, pop bottles exploding open on impact and spraying down Izzy's roommate, playing "Survivor" on LayCey's cellphone, attempting to buy new games without permission on LayCey's cellphone, quizzing from trivia questions printed on Pringles, and many more adventures.

But then disaster struck in the form of a call from her mother. I don't think I was actually there when she called; I believe I was just heading back into the dorms to get a coat for Izzy because she was cold. When I came back outside she was still on the phone, and seemed to be arguing, so I left the coat by her and went to find another group. This spawned another mini-adventure involving pictionary and yelling "penis", but I still was just thinking about Izzy. I kept looking over to see if she was doing okay, and to see if she was still on the phone, but she did not finish in time for us to have too much more conversation. We did go over to support our team in the "finals", at which point in time Izzy was struck by a revenge bottle of Pepsi (from her afore-scorned roommate), and we were scolded by the program dictator (Chris, she really was cool though), and had other such good times.

The big jump towards us that was taken, however, came one (or a few) day(s) later while we were preparing for a library scavenger hunt/tour thing-y. We were all waiting outside, sorting into our natural social-groups that had already begun forming at that time (although there really were no cliques or groupings of that sort either year I attended UBMS) when I noticed that my social group was a little ways away from Izzy's. Normally I would just stand there and hope that I would accidentally bump into her later on and get to exchange a small amount of words, but that was not enough this time. I stood for a few moments, struggling with my decision, and then gave a silent “fuck you lack-of-self-confidence" and left my group (in one of the short lulls between my involvements in the conversation) and went and stood next to her. It was an important step for me in breaking down my inhibitions, as well as a large step towards having something with Izzy.

The rest of the story I will, for the sake of keeping this post short (although I passed that point about 1,000 words ago), save for another day, but long story short, we fell in love and won the award at UBMS for "Most PDAs" (public displays of affection). *cue the "awww"s* which leads me into my current unhappiness (I know, finally right?):

My Izzy is extra far away right now, and will be for the rest of the weekend. She went on a trip to Portland with 9 other members of our UBMS group, and so cannot even talk to me tonight (last night as the time stands now). The only reason I did not get to go was because there were only 10 spots open and I was the 11th person to get my paperwork in, thus preventing me from Izzy-filled bliss this weekend. This infuriates me an extra amount because the program consisted of 52 students, so 10 spots on a trip to reward good work seems ridiculous, but I do not want to think about it right now so I will not.

So I am sad because I am Izzy-less. But now I must bid you all a good-night, (or good-morning, or good-day, or good-evening, depending on when you read this) and depart. I also feel I should apologize for how strung-out and uninteresting this probably seems to you, although if you were that bored by it you would not be reading this now. So I suppose I'm apologizing to the people who liked it. Weird... Ah well, happy times to you all!