An Interview of One Lucious Ash

This one's courtesy of my love, Izzy, who I'm not allowed to link here but I definitely would if I could.

First, a few quick notes:

1. I'm sorry Izzy, for taking so long to answer
2. Yes, I write an excessive amount for everything, but you can get over it because IT'S MY GODDAMN BLOG!
3. Occasionally I snap, and I apologize to anybody who was offended by quick note #2

1) What's the most awkward situation you've ever been in with a family member?

Awkward? I never realized how awkward that word was...

When contemplating on how to answer this question, at first I thought, "I have nothing akwa-" but that's about as far as I got until I remembered... *shudders*

First, a little blue-print summary of my house: I have a northward facing door (I'm not sure what that does to the fung shui). When you walk into my front door, you are immediately in my dining room. To the left is my kitchen. To the right; my front room/living room. If you continue straight, from my door, there is a hallway. The entrance to this hallway lies a little right of center from my house. My room is a quick right-turn from this entrance, and down the hallway in the other direction, on your right-hand side, is my sister's room, my parents' room, and then, at the end of the hallway, the bathroom.

It was one fateful morning when this most odious of events occurred. I woke up, just like any other morning, save for it being a little earlier than usual. The reason for this early-bird-behavior happened to be a need for urination, so I was quite speedy in my efforts to reach my bathroom. I climb down the stairs from my bed (I have a sort of loft-bed), then head for my door. As my hand touches the door knob, I can hear the sounds of footsteps coming down the hallway towards me. As I swing the door open I feel an immediate sense of regret for my 2 liter of 7*up the previous night, as I see my father walking straight at me, fully naked.

I don't think that either of us ever mentioned it. It was while I was still very young, so he probably assumes I don't remember. He is very wrong.

2) You found a genie, but it was a motivational speaker in a past life and refuses to consider requests for petty things like money or several-thousand-dollar guitars. So what are three wishes for your future?

What about a free college education? Does that count? I mean, basically it's money, but technically it's asking for a chance to succeed. Motivational speakers love that shit. Yeah, that counts. WISH NUMBER ONE!

Wish number two: A chance to go back in time (ironic, going back in time for the future) to get an earlier start on college stuff. As it stands, I have $0 from scholarships, and I haven't filled out hardly any.

Wish number three: I would wish that Izzy could stop worrying about stuff so much, and not feel guilty for everything.

3) Other than E.T., what illogical and ridiculous things are you afraid of? (I'm afraid of closed shower curtains and microwave ovens that are currently operating.)

Damn. That would have been the one I said. I'm afraid of the shower curtain thing too. You took all my good ones! umm... *thinks hard* I am afraid of nothing. Nah, I'm just kidding. I guess the thing I'm most afraid of is people hating me if I were to talk to them, which is ridiculous/illogical because the chances of somebody hating me just for talking is ≤ no chance at all.

4) Okay. You're a completely retarded superhero. But which one? Like...Morbidly-Obese-yet-Healthy Man, or Can't-Untie-Her-Shoes Woman! How would that superpower help you fight crime, or whatever it is superheros do. Get in the front of the line at Disneyland, maybe.

I would be Instantly-Grow-A-ZZ-Top-Beard-Man. This beard would serve a number of purposes, all of which would be very handy to be able to call upon instantly. (Please note, while not all of these directly relate to my ability to fight crime, lookin' good is a priority for every superhero, and thus, if I did not look good, my superhero-ing abilities would be impaired)

1. It would make me look ultra-sexy, although I'm not sure how much of an improvement that would be on my current status.
2. I could easily, and instantly, disguise myself in the event that a super-villain were to come after me. When he found me, he would merely think me to be either of the ZZ Top members, and would pass me by with only a short request for my autograph.
3. I could use it as a bib, and then just shave it off after my meal. (You know you'd want that power)
4. If I awoke one morning to find that I had an enormous zit on my face, and I had a very important meeting that day, I could just cover it up.
   
5. If I awoke one morning to realize that my long years of partying and promiscuous sex had left me with a raging herpes problem, I could just cover it up.
6. Bullet deflection. Have you seen how luscious those things are?
7. To protect my chest from rain, in the event that I am caught in a sudden rainstorm without an ascot.
8. In case I were to lost a button off of my shirt, I could just grow out my beard, and no one would ever know.
9. Extra storage room in a pinch.
10. A carrier for the occasional injured woodland creature I might pick up.
11. And finally; *dinner roll, please* That massive of an amount of hair growing in an instant, has got to have some massive force as well. Great self defense in case Nympho-Woman tries to get a piece of this *gesticulates in a manner to show off entire body*.
    

5) If you could see any musician/band/musical act, past or present, alive or dead, which one would it be?

Blue Man Group, hands down. They put on an absolutely fantastic show. The music is great, the visuals are great, and conceptually they are superb. They use alternative instrumentation, and I absolutely love the dynamics between them.